The topic of sexual assault is a personal one for me, very personal. I come from a family of victims and perpetrators, sometimes being one and the same. When a molester, a pedophile, or a rapist is a family member, you have a different perspective than perhaps most. I know I do.

I have often pondered writing the story about my family, in an effort to shine a bright light on just how unhealthy some sexual behaviors are and how prevalent sexual abuse is in various forms. This complicated endeavor may or may not ever happen. But in the meantime, I want to propose some unique ideas that could help heal those affected by any form of sex abuse, contribute to rehabilitating perpetrators, and possibly even prevent some sex abuse from ever happening.

What contributes to sexualized violence?

Have you ever wondered why a sex offender is the way he or she is? No one is born a sex offender. Something, or many things, happens that contribute to them becoming a perpetrator. But we rarely talk about the how or the why. Looking at this perspective is in no way a pardon or to excuse harmful behaviors. But if we do not look at what causes sexualized violence, how can we ever hope to reduce sex abuse in any form? 

It is pretty easy to point the finger toward provocative and violent sexual visuals in social media, television, movies, and video games. Substance abuse, mental illness, and lack of education could also be contributing factors. And certainly being a victim of any kind of abuse can lead the abused to abuse. The only thing that is for sure, it is complicated.

From my experience, I would say that exposure is a major factor. Imagine a five-year-old boy having his first sexual experience with an eleven-year-old girl from next door. The boy may not see the encounter as abuse, but rather something to brag about and remember with excitement. What happens when the young boy becomes a man? He may seek out eleven-year-old girls.

What about a young man who out of curiosity explores online pornography and stumbles upon the ultimate taboo, child porn. First shock, then curiosity, followed by shameful thrill. If this experience is repeated, comfortability starts to set in. But being attracted to children doesn’t necessarily mean becoming a child molester. Something else has to happen.

What does prevention look like?

Though I applaud all efforts to prevent sexualized violence in any form- until we address the lack of human values in our educational systems and society as a whole, we will continue to have rampant sexualized violence- especially regarding children.

What do I mean by human values? Basic human values like respect, compassion, benevolence,  empathy, acceptance, consideration, and broad-mindedness are needed now more than ever. Imagine if our educational systems embraced these basic human values from early childhood through higher education. I can imagine a world where there would be fewer perpetrators. 

Often children aretaught about the “stranger danger” aspect of staying safe, but their guards are down when it comes to a sibling, uncle, cousin, father, or grandfather. I believe that when children are empowered with basic human values they are more likely to resist abuse and tell someone they trust about any “bad touches.”

This is a worthwhile experiment that would likely have numerous positive outcomes.

How do we rehabilitate perpetrators?

Experts do not agree on whether or not perpetrators can be rehabilitated, especially pedophiles. But those who do think it is possible, know it’s very difficult and can take a long time. Personally, I’m on the fence about rehabilitation, unless it includes human values.

But how do you instill human values when someone is no longer in school and has a formed mindset with deep negative impressions? 

We’ve all heard that “hurt people, hurt people.” 

The U.S. Department of Justice reported back in 1999 that 19% of state prison inmates, 10% of federal inmates, and 16% of those in local jails and on probation had been physically or sexually abused before their most recent admission to a correctional population. More recent statistics focus on sexualized violence in prison or how likely prisoners would abuse others after being incarcerated. I think it is reasonable to assume that the number of hurt people hurting people has likely increased in the last twenty-plus years.
 
I’m sure you have heard the old adage, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks”. I would say, you can’t teach an abused, stressed-out, anxiety-filled dog who is clearly suffering and acting out— anything. Human values mean very little to someone who is, for lack of a better term, mentally ill in the purest sense.

What you can do, is treat the “illness” of layers upon layers of deep stresses and trauma. The IAHV (International Association for Human Values) Prison Program offers stress management and rehabilitation training using the SKY Breathing Meditation techniques. This program is approved by the U.S. Federal Bureau of Prisons. And in the past 25 years, more than 700,000 inmates in 60 countries have benefited from this holistic approach. 

What might be possible if this program, which combines human values and stress management, was available to all perpetrators?

How can we help heal victims?

The same stress management techniques that are offered in prisons are available to anyone. The SKY Breath Meditation (aka Sudarshan Kriya Yoga) technique has profound benefits for anyone who has suffered trauma. In fact, these same techniques are also offered to veterans, active military, and their families through the Project Welcome Home Troops program. It’s not just the trauma of being a soldier that needs to be addressed but also the trauma from sexual assaults. US military academies found that sexual assault reports increased 28% in 2022. 

One study, featuring the SKY practice, showed that participants experienced a clinically significant decrease in PTSD symptoms in a twelve-week period. This translates to real healing.

What can you do?

A little knowledge can sometimes be overwhelming. This is where taking an action is helpful. Here are a few ideas. 

Recognize the signs

Usually a pedophile will “groom” a child over a period of time. The Center for Child Protection shares these red flags:

• Targeting specific kids for special attention, gifts, or activities. 
• Slowly isolating a kid from family members and friends – physically and emotionally. 
• Undermining relationships with parents and friends to show that “no one understands you like I do.” 
• Gradually pushing or crossing physical boundaries.

I wish I had the space here to list all of the signs of possible sexual abuse after the fact. Everything from preferring to sleep with their clothes on to being withdrawn or angry often. Bedwetting, self-harm, changes in eating habits, obsession with one’s own or others’ genitals, and changes to one’s circle of friends. Basically, any sudden changes in behavior are worth looking into. 

Get involved in your community schools

Does your child’s school talk about “good touch” and “bad touch?” Does your child’s school include human values in their sex education programs? Make sure that asking for consent and other healthy behaviors are prominent as discussion points. It isn’t enough to just have conversations with your own children. Every child needs to know how to respect others and be safe.  

Imagine a world

I sincerely hope that this article generates thoughtful conversations that lead to change and healing. 

Need help? 

Call 800.656.HOPE (4673) to be connected with a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider in your area. This is a safe, confidential service.

Want to know more about SKY Breath Meditation? Attend a free introductory session by clicking the image below.