Whether it is love or arranged, marriage is always a chance. Sometimes it may appear to have clicked for a short period of time but, in the long run, it becomes a question mark. Sometimes in the beginning the couple may appear completely incompatible but as time goes they become a compatible pairing.
The joke is that before marriage, whether arranged or love, a couple is mad about each other. During marriage, they are made for each other. Later they are mad at each other. After a while they are mad because of each other. But if we see that marriage is an institution that sustains on patience, sacrifice, caring for each other, and sharing, then marriage can sustain and be supportive.
Marriage is like a chameleon – changing colours all the time. If a couple sees this, there’s hope for their union.
If you have given 100 percent and still your marriage doesn’t seem to be working, then you better move on and let the other move on, instead of making the lives of both miserable. But the question is whether you have given your 100 percent. Have you made all the efforts to make your marriage work?
Hallmarks of a Happy Marriage
The hallmarks of a happy marriage are a sense of commitment, co-operation, compassion, caring and less ego. A relationship can bring us strength or weakness depending on the mind. If the mind is strong then relationships are a gift to us, but if the mind is weak and not in control, then relationships can feel like bondage. If you hold each other’s necks, it will feel like bondage. If you walk together, shoulder-to-shoulder with each other, it will serve as a support. So be a support to each other, be a companion and move forward.
The hallmarks of a happy marriage are a sense of commitment, co-operation, compassion, caring and less ego
– Gurudev Sri Sri Ravi Shankar
In marriage you should consider the other person as your own part — like your arm, or leg. It’s two bodies, one mind, one soul. So, whatever your spouse desires, you make it your own desire. Consider your spouse’s taste as your own. The conflict arises when your tastes start moving apart. You should start saying your taste is my taste; your pleasure is my pleasure. “I am here for you, rather than, what can you do for me?”
When we approach the relationship with, “What can you do for me?”, then both partners become unhappy. In a happy marriage each couple takes the resolution: “I’m here for you, come what may, happy times or unhappy times! In life sometimes there are disappointments, sometimes there is success. In either case, ‘I’m with you.”
The marriage listicle
Let us address some common issues in marriage. Possessiveness: If you are too possessive, the other person will run away. Trying to control or possess somebody may not be a very intelligent idea. When you are possessive, a whole chain of negative thoughts is triggered.
Appease yourself: Often you like to be pleased, appeased and cajoled. You put up a tough, upset face and act difficult to please. Lovers often do this. They expend a lot of energy in cajoling and this brings down the joy and celebration of the moment. People keep a long face and expect others to cajole and appease them. This makes others run away.
It is okay for you to show your upset mood or tendency once in a while, but doing it over and over again is taxing for you and the people you love. If you feel down, appease and please yourself. Your need to be appeased by someone else is a sign of grossness. If you want attention, all you get is tension.
Horoscope matching: If you feel like matching horoscopes, then get it done. Otherwise, you will always have a doubt in mind whether the horoscopes matched or not. Now, suppose you like the other person in all ways but just one or two things don’t match in the horoscope, then there is a solution to it. Meditate, pray, and do havan (fire rituals) and everything will be sorted out. It is not difficult to please all the planets. Chant ‘Om Namah Shivaya’ and it is done.
Misunderstandings/mistakes: There is a proverb which says, ‘It is only through words that conflicts begin. It is only through words that people have fun. It is only through words that people gain wealth. So, words should be used sparingly.’ Usually, when people have some misunderstanding, they say, ‘Let us talk it out.’ This does not work at all. Just move on. Don’t sit and discuss or ask any explanation about the past. When a mistake happens, it happens, that’s it. Move on.
There is a skill in making a person aware of his mistake without making him feel guilty
– Gurudev Sri Sri Ravi Shankar
Just imagine yourself in a position where you make a mistake and someone keeps asking for an explanation about it. It is such a burden to explain or to justify oneself. Never make the other person feel guilty. The bond of friendship gets loosened. There is a skill in making a person aware of his mistake without making him feel guilty.
If one is upset, the other partner should keep quiet and wait for his/her turn to get upset. If both get upset at the same time, then there is a problem! And in front of kids, one should be civilised.
Give him or her the time to be upset. Don’t question: “Why are you so upset?” If someone is upset, the other gets angry and expects them not to be upset. This is a big mistake! If someone is upset, give them that space. Never doubt their love: Do not question their love. If you find that they are not being loving, instead of accusing them, “You do not love me”, ask them, “Why do you love me so much?”
Just imagine, if someone keeps accusing you, saying you are not kind to them, you are not pleasant with them and you are not friendly, then you feel nagged. Nobody wants to be in the company of a person who complains all the time. Does anybody want to be in the company of a person who nags you, and to whom you have to explain and give proof of your love all the time? No! It is such a burden, such boredom! A good company is one who always uplifts the spirit. If somebody is not in a good mood, they say, ‘Hey, come on! Forget about it. Let’s move on.’ Someone who has enthusiasm, someone who always pushes you forward is good company. Someone who asks for explanations, doubts and questions you is not good company. So never doubt someone’s love for you.
Demand destroys love. Never demand love from your spouse. Take it for granted they love you. When we start demanding and policing our spouse, we get into a mess. Just be yourself: Be natural and be simple. Relationships develop naturally.
Demand destroys love. Never demand love from your spouse. Take it for granted they love you
– Gurudev Sri Sri Ravi Shankar
As time passes in a relationship, a couple witnesses that expectations and attitudes change. The relationship can become better with more yoga and meditation practice. We can learn how to communicate better in the relationship, to be more patient and forgiving. Commitment is what holds marriage together, when you decide not to fall. Spirituality is what gives the strength to see it through.
Divorce nation
Divorces are increasing while family values are eroding. The generation gap is widening and interdependence is being forgotten.
Husband and wife forget that they are interdependent. They need each other but both look for independence. And they want to get what they can out of marriage instead of seeing it as a sacred institution where you have to contribute rather than grab your own pleasure.
People fall in love. They appreciate each other’s good qualities. But how long does it stay? A little while later their other side is seen more. When the attraction dies down, demand begins. Flaws start appearing much stronger. You see the flaws in them much more and that takes over you. Aggression comes, then anger. Soon the breaking point is reached.
In the previous era, people would respect each other and submit to each other. If both husband and wife submit to each other and respect each other, it takes them to another plane of more stability. They understood and accepted their own limitations and that of their spouse. They took more responsibility at home. They had to take care of the elders and the children. When you have responsibility towards seniors as well as children, there is very little time left to fight with each other. On top of that, they had moral, social and religious duties to perform, too. When your life is programmed in many dimensions, you have very little time to sit and argue with your spouse.
