Skillful Communication: Express Beyond Words

We start communicating from the instant we take our first breath. Our first cry is a communication to our mother, and to the world, that we have arrived. And till our last breath, we are in constant communication.

Yet, good communication is much more than mere words. It is an art and effective communication has dimensions that are larger than what is spoken. The ability to communicate affectionately with one and all is a skill worth possessing.

The Story of King & Astrologer

Once, an astrologer went to visit a king. The king showed great reverence to the astrologer, made him sit down and honoured him with gifts. The king then showed his palm and the charts to an astrologer. The astrologer examined everything and then said to the king, O King! You will lose your entire family. Everybody is going to die before you. You will be the last to die.” The king got very upset upon hearing this and put the astrologer in jail.

When someone hears some negative prediction, they don’t like it. They obviously want to hear something nice and positive instead. And so it was for the king as well. This news shook the entire community of astrologers. They thought, “We cannot tell the truth to the king. If we do so, he will simply put us in jail. What do we do?”

The king then called for another astrologer to appear before him. Many tried to escape this request but one senior astrologer agreed to meet the king. So, he went before the king, and the king welcomed him in the same way with gifts. The king then showed his palm to the astrologer. The astrologer said, “Oh King! What a great fortune you are blessed with! You have a very good horoscope. Nobody in history has had such longevity of age as you are going to have. In fact, nobody in your dynasty has had such great longevity.”

The astrologer never said to the king that he was going to outlive everybody else in the royal family. Instead, he told the king that he was blessed with great longevity and that he had a great horoscope. The king was so flattered upon hearing the news of his long life and good health. He told the astrologer, “Ask for whatever gift you want from me and I shall give.” The astrologer said, “Please release my poor colleague who is in jail.”

3 Modes of Communication

There are three modes of communication: in head-to-head communication you talk, in heart-to-heart communication, you sing, and soul-to-soul communication happens in silence.

1. Head to Head
   • Often when you are with people you keep talking and blabbering, and you keep the communication at the level of the head only. It is at an intellectual level.

2. Heart to Heart
   • When you are with nature, you start humming and your communication comes through the heart. It is at an emotional level.

3. Soul to Soul
   • When you are with the Guru, you go blank and forget all the questions. Then communication comes through the soul in silence. Soul level connection is one step ahead of emotional connection where you surpass all emotions and connect very deeply. There can be discord in intellectual and emotional connections. But when we are connected at a deeper level we recognize everyone and everything is part of us. This is the real evolution of human consciousness.

All communication gaps happen because of ego. The head level is safe for the ego, the heart level breaks the ego, and the soul level dissolves the ego.

2 Enemies of Effective Communication

1. Insecurity

Insecure people do not believe in the love and compassion of the world or of divinity. They do not feel connected to divinity or to people, so they make an extra effort to make a connection, which usually goes wrong. They neither realize the power within them nor do they trust others. They see ulterior motives behind the words and actions of others and are haunted by imaginary ghosts. Thus they end up creating chaos and misery for themselves and others.

2. Obstipation

Obstinate people are closed to others points of view and they don’t move with the times. Hence they often get a beating over time. You can not argue with obstinate people, for they have their own logic and reasoning. Making them see reason is a futile exercise. Their circle of communication is very small and they have an open mind to the views of very few people. There is a combination of planets that can create obstinacy in people.

The insecure and the obstinate are two types of people who are not good communicators. To deal with both these people is an art. Words do not work. Only positive prana and vibrations can make an impact.

Essential Ingredient to Communicate

We convey more through our presence than our words. Our presence conveys reality. Communication happens through vibes. We often say this, “I don’t get good vibes.” It is so true. True communication happens through vibrations. For example, you may spend two hours reading about love and it would not mean anything. Yet just a look from a baby says everything.

First of all, when you feel a lot of distance between the person whom you want to communicate with, you feel you are somewhere up or you feel the other person feels that they are very somewhere down or you feel you are somewhere down, forget about communication. It doesn’t happen.

We have to see that we are all one. We have a level playing ground. We are on the same page and we all speak the same language. We are just basically human beings.

This is the first thing that can bring us the vibrancy to communicate.

Quick Tips for Effective Communication

1. Speak Less. Listen More.

The first step to improving communication is listening. Listening is an important factor for better communication. Listening not just to words, but also to feelings and expressions. Observe infants. They listen to expressions and gestures. Even without understanding words, they communicate with you.

Make the person with whom you want to communicate feel comfortable with you. You don’t need to make any extra effort – if you are a good listener and you are fully present in the moment, it’s done!

If someone wants to come and share something with you, be a good listener. While they are speaking, don’t counter them, saying, “I too had that experience,” and start your stories. They should not feel, “Oh my god! I wanted to share and now s/he is talking about her/himself.” A speaker comes to you and subtly makes you a listener; instead, you turn things around and make them a listener – this is bad communication. A speaker has a deep desire to say something to you, so let them complete and then you respond.

‘DO NOT’ List

• Do Not: put your ideas too much so that the other person doesn’t digest it or take it. 
• Do Not: bore them with your stories of failures or success. “Oh I went here, I did this, I did that”, and the listener will say, ‘Oh my god when will this guy stop!’ But in your own mind, there is such a joy that comes to you while talking; you don’t consider the other person’s listening ability at all.  
• Do Not: declare all that you like and dislike. Who asked you to declare? It’s not an income tax department, asking you to declare your assets or your achievements; If most of your conversations go like that, people will not want to communicate with you. Instead of telling them what you like, ask them what they want, what they like. 
• Do Not: give your opinions when they’re not asked for. Be a little mysterious! People should want to ask you a question to get to know you. Till then, don’t open your mouth.

Now suppose someone goes on and on and on, and you have no time; you want to cut them off and make them listen to what you want to say – you have to do it very skillfully. With a sense of belongingness, you can say, “Hey, come on, I know about this; let’s talk about…” To change the topic, you need skills. Talk less, observe more.

“Communication is a dialogue, not a monologue.”

~ Gurudev Sri Sri Ravi Shankar

2. Understanding the Other Side

Understand where the other person is coming from – what is the sentiment behind their communication? Make them aware that you’re in sync with that sentiment and understand their standpoint and then communicate what you want to communicate.

Prejudice should be done away with. If you have any type of prejudice in your mind, other gender prejudice, racial prejudice or religious prejudice, generation prejudice, or name any prejudice, even then communication cannot be vibrant. It cannot happen.

3. Be Sensitive & Sensible

Communication is the art of being sensitive and sensible at the same time. Some people are too sensitive, thereby losing their sensibleness. Their speech lacks clarity and is inarticulate. And there are people who make perfect sense, but they are insensitive. They say the correct things, but they are not aware of the emotional response of the audience. We need that beautiful combination of sensitivity and sensibleness.

4. State of Mind Matters!

Your mental state is heard by your listeners before the words. If you are stressed, forget about communication. You won’t be able to convey what you want to convey. Being a little hollow and empty helps a lot! Like that, you communicate better, you have more patience, and you understand the other person better.

When you are angry, nobody wants to hear it even though you are saying the correct thing.

~ Gurudev Sri Sri Ravi Shankar

5. Focus on Heart-to-Heart Connection

When communicating, it is important to connect on an emotional level, at the level of your heart – then communicating is easy. But if you’re connecting only through the head, then even when you say nice things, it may appear hurtful or derogatory. So, you need to be a little playful, a little skilful, and have a pinch of belongingness and a sense of caring whenever you communicate. The other person should feel the caring in your voice or your body language.

Avoid showing artificial care for others. Don’t try to be nice to people. Know that you have this quality (of caring and belongingness) inside you by default. Knowing that you simply have to bring it into expression.

Almost all relationships break down due to too much talking and explaining about oneself. “I am this way. Don’t mistake me. Don’t misunderstand me.” If you keep silent when required, everything will work out much better. Don’t explain things of the past, brood over them, or ask for explanations.

Real communication is beyond words. When the heart speaks and the heart listens, harmony is produced.

~ Gurudev Sri Sri Ravi Shankar

All of us have experienced at one time or the other, an amazing phenomenon. Whether in one-to-one communication or in addressing a huge audience, something intangible moves people more than words. We try to rationalize by attributing this to charm, charisma, presence, body language, etc.

6. Humour

A good sense of humor coupled with care and concern, relieves you from fear and anxiety. Humour is not just about words- reading and repeating jokes. It is the lightness of your being that brings out authentic humour. And this lightness comes up with taking life itself not too seriously. In life, if we don’t have humour, we will not be successful.

Humor can sail over all conflicts

~ Gurudev Sri Sri Ravi Shankar

Communication at Work

Improve your communication skills. This is very much needed for anyone in business. A businessman cannot afford to be impulsive, short-tempered, incommunicable, unfriendly and lacking in confidence. In the presence of these things one will not be able to do business properly.

In your job, always thank the stupid managers because they instigate you to be skillful. They bring out the best skill of communication from within you. It’s an opportunity. You must use these crises as an opportunity to better yourself, and to grow. If you have a nasty colleague and a tough boss, that is when your intelligence will come into play. You don’t need skill to work with a good boss, you don’t need skill to manoeuvre a very cooperative friend and cooperative atmosphere; When you need a skill is when things are tough.

Know More!

Men throughout the ages have felt that they cannot communicate their feelings. If we could communicate all our feelings through words then we are living a very shallow life. Life is rich because feelings cannot be captured in words. So we do all these gestures, for example, we hug so that the heart comes close. We give flowers to symbolize our feelings, we do all our efforts to express our feelings and still the feelings remain unexpressed.

Skill in communication makes a huge difference. With the right communication skills, we can turn any negative situation into a positive one.

~ Gurudev Sri Sri Ravi Shankar

There is a couplet in Kannada which says, “It is through words that fun and laughter happen, and it is through words that enmity can also happen.” Speech creates conflict and also removes conflict. Your speech should be so wonderful and sweet, that anyone should simply listen and nod happily in agreement saying, “Oh yes, Oh yes.”​ That is how lovely your speech should be.

Even to be in a material world, to be a successful businessman, you need communication skills. And to have better communication skills, you need to have a calm and collected mind. If you are firmly established in the zone of silence, if your mind is calm, you will find yourself suddenly being able to influence individuals, groups, and masses.

The Art of Living programs to help imbibe communication skills, are taught in many Fortune 500 companies today for CEOs. They have been taught in 108 universities all across the USA and of course many around the world. The students find it tremendously beneficial because they have this examination palpitation that they get when they have exams, clubbed with anxiety, the nervousness, everything is taken care of without any of those tablets that you have to pop in.

Meditation and Pranayama enhance your skill of expressing yourself rightly. Learn how to meditate yourself, coupled with Pranayamas in our most dynamic meditation program – Sahaj Samadhi Dhyan.

4 Levels of Communication

There are four levels of speech, that is, communication:

1. Vaikhari
   • This is the level of speech that we are all using now to communicate. 
2. Madhyama
   • This is subtler than Vaikhari, where you don’t need language to communicate, but just intentions or feelings help to communicate.
     It is like you would communicate with people who don’t understand your language or with babies who throw tantrums to tell you that they are hungry or sleepy, or communicate through different signs. Even animals and trees use Madhyama to communicate.
3. Pashyanti
   • This is where you simply recognize the knowledge without words or language. It is like deep intuition. Sometimes, when you go deep into meditation, you may hear some chanting or words, or you might get some ideas. When ideas come without language, it is called Pashyanti.
   • A seer would recognize a little bit of that, from somewhere deep. All scientific discoveries happen from the Pashyanti level.
4. Para
   • This is beyond Pashyanti, is the universal language or the source of all expressions. In deep Samadhi or total stillness, you are connected with Para. No sort of verbal communication is needed. Actually, real communication happens from Para, it is just the vibration that communicates.

Skill in speech & action is required. Being truthful doesn’t mean being rude. Rudeness blocks communication, destroys harmony.

~ Gurudev Sri Sri Ravi Shankar

All the other talking that we do, from the Vaikhari level, is only to keep the mind engaged. The mind cannot capture communication from the level of Para, only the soul understands it. Para is the language of the soul. The mind needs some entertainment; the entertainment of the mind is Vaikhari, the language that we speak.