Before I set foot into my first job right after college, my sister, who is ten years older than I am, shared some words of wisdom with me. “Every woman goes through an identity crisis in her mid to late twenties. Be ready to face it.” Well, it sounded a little scary at the time, and I had no idea what she really meant. Nor did I know that according to new research conducted by the National Health Services in England, young women are three times as likely as men to report symptoms of common mental health conditions*. According to 2015 study by the Institute for Women’s Policy Research, in the United States, on average, a woman between the age of 18-34 experiences 4.9 days of poor mental health every month**. The prospect of starting my first job and leaving behind exams and grades was too exhilarating for me to even consider my mental health. Then, two years into being a teacher and dorm supervisor at an all-girls boarding school, I found myself confused, and questioning what I should do with my career and life. It seemed that I had everything - a successful career, praise from colleagues, loving friends. But I was restless and wanted something ‘more’, even though I had not given too much thought to what that ‘more’ really meant. Juggling what I already had was already beginning to feel challenging.
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A year later, I moved out to San Francisco, with the hope that this exciting city would fulfill my need for ‘more’. Navigating through life in a city was exhilarating and scary at the same time. For the first time, I had to live like an adult - finding an apartment, signing a lease, driving and parking in the city. And, as a first-generation immigrant, I was filled with both a longing for home, and the desire to succeed in a different land, to make it here and fit in this different culture. At times, I felt intensely homesick. At other times, I could not imagine going back to live in my traditional culture. Where do I belong and where is home?
Looking back now, I could clearly see what my sister meant by “identity crisis”. Who am I? What do I really want in life? I never took the time to sit down and ask myself these questions. I thought I would get these answers through doing various activities and reading books. While I could appreciate the wisdom I read and heard, I was also frustrated with not being able to live them in my daily life. I remember feeling like I was dropped in a forest, backpacking on my own without any clear direction.
Looking back now, I could clearly see what my sister meant by “identity crisis”. Who am I? What do I really want in life?
Looking back now, I could clearly see what my sister meant by “identity crisis”. Who am I? What do I really want in life?
In September 2007, I sat down at my first meditation and breathing workshop with quite a bit of skepticism. Titled the Art of Living Happiness Program, it sounded almost too Californian to me at the time. I had no idea what meditation and breathing really had to do with happiness. I signed on after a friend of mine encouraged me and insisted that I should try it. During the first session, the facilitator asked us “What makes you happy, and when will you be happy”? I was stumped. I can easily rattle off a list of things that make me happy. But the question of when was different. I realized that I was only living my life in pursuit of happiness in the near future, rather than as an expression of happiness in every moment. At the end of that first night, I experienced my first guided meditation. I did not remember much of my experience during the process, but when I drove away from the workshop, all of a sudden I realized that I had never felt so calm and clear in my life. It was an unfamiliar feeling. Prior to that, I had always equated happiness with excitement. Never have I experienced this kind of peace and contentment, and all the noises in my mind seemed to have gone quiet. Even though I wasn’t sure if this was happiness, I was happy to have discovered this experience. In the next few days, we learned more breathing techniques and practical tips on how to manage the mind. After that short weekend, when I returned to work the following Monday, out of nowhere, I felt such a sense of lightness, as if I were a little bird on a beach, flying free.
When I walked away from the workshop, I felt that I had been given a comprehensive tool set that could act like a compass for my backpacking trip in the woods. The first useful tool is the breathing and meditation practices. As I continued my daily practice, I started noticing positive changes in my work and relationships. I was able to listen to my students better in the classroom, handling their questions with more patience. I did not feel as tired as I used to after a day of teaching. Even when my head felt a little foggy in the afternoon, the breathing and meditation cleared things up right away. I have more energy, feel happier, and I’m more enthusiastic. And it felt more natural to connect with people. More subtly, I started paying more attention to the tendencies of my mind - how it tends to vacillate between the past and future, how it always wants to chase for more and better. This awareness made it easier for me to smile through the moments when I became anxious about the future, or regretful about the past. Negative emotions still come. But meditation helps soften the blow, helping them pass by much faster than before. These direct experiences have made me realize the importance of meditation and its direct impact on my happiness and quality of life, and it’s now an indispensable part of my daily life. I now understand why psychologists and researchers found that meditation produces increases in positive emotions and life satisfaction, and increases feelings of social connection and positivity toward others.
The second tool was the simple and profound knowledge given by Gurudev Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, the founder of the Art of Living foundation. Learning to manage the mind takes skill. And sometimes after noticing its patterns and negative tendencies, I still struggle to make a change. Having a personal teacher like Gurudev has made it much easier to navigate through the journey. I found his teaching full of both depth and simplicity, and always delivered in such a loving way. Being a school teacher myself, I find it so inspiring to have a teacher who leads by example, who sincerely cares about my growth and always accepts me with open arms. I had never considered the combination of spiritual practices and volunteer service together. And Gurudev models for me that when these go hand in hand, our life becomes more joyful and meaningful. His vision of a stress-free, violence-free world, and his tireless effort to travel around the world to build peace and prosperity in communities, became the biggest source of inspiration for me.
I started volunteering, making these stress-management techniques more accessible and available to more people. And whenever a group got together to breathe and meditate, a sense of celebration and joy welled up for everyone. Everyone always left feeling lighter, happier and more connected. When I saw how others also benefited from learning these tools, I realized that I could do something to uplift the quality of their life in a tangible way. This helped me get out of worrying only about myself, and connected my individual identity to something bigger.
Many of my students in the past have now grown to be in their mid to late twenties. And every day, I come across young women full of passion and thirst for life, who are faced with even greater challenges to find their identity and stay true to their own voice in the midst of all the voices on social media. It is more important than ever before for us to learn how to manage stress and negative emotions. I want to tell every young girl out there, whether it feels like an identity crisis or not, learning tools such as breathing and meditation will help us navigate the road with more ease and confidence. And even though life does not come with an owner’s manual, having these tools in our back pocket and pulling them out like a compass when we need direction is an incredibly empowering thing.
By Jiazhen Zhang - A school teacher in San Francisco, Meditator and Art of Living Volunteer
