By Sejal Shah┃Posted: April 8, 2019
Learning how to deal with criticism is an important life skill that everyone needs to cultivate. No one is 100% perfect, so facing negative feedback or criticism is an inevitable part of life-- in interpersonal relationships, in family life, and in a professional context at work, too. Though you may not like be told you have done something wrong, in order to grow, it’s important to go past the fear of negative feedback and move forward with confidence. You have the freedom and power to deal with it constructively, and inspire those around you to do the same!
There are two types of criticism - constructive and destructive – and learning to recognise the difference between the two can help you deal with any criticism you may receive. The former is more thoughtful and with an intention to help you improve, while the latter is more thoughtless and also could be out of malice or jealousy.
Why is criticism so painful to face?
Our mind has a tendency to cling to the negative. One of the main reasons that criticism hits all of us very hard and is so painful is because it stays with us longer than praise. Think about the last time that you got a compliment and were criticized on the same day. What hit you harder and stayed with you longer? Most certainly it was the criticism, and even if you think about it now, you are likely to experience a bit of displeasure at the very least.
The other reasons why we feel bad, angry, anxious, stressed, or helpless when criticized are that we feel judged, attacked, insecure, at loss, or vulnerable. We worry about losing love, relationships, jobs, and our good reputation. This can lower our self-esteem and cause stress, anger, or even aggression.
But there are some who deal with criticism more effectively, and with a poise and dignity. They have developed an attitude to take control of the situation, rather than feeling helpless. One particular skill seems to be common in these types of people: they have learned how to defuse stressful situations, and disarm the person who is criticizing them and make the situation lighter immediately.
How to handle criticisms skillfully
Over the years, in open Q-A sessions in different countries, Gurudev Sri Sri Ravi Shankar has been asked many times how to handle criticism. Here is a compilation of some valuable and insightful tips that he has shared to deal with criticism skillfully.
Though they may sound a bit difficult, from my own experience, I can tell you that these tips will certainly help you to deal with the situation in better way. Life will give you ample opportunities to practice these skills, and everytime you do, you become more at ease and at peace than similar earlier situations that you faced.
When you are interacting with someone who is criticizing you, here are some ways you could respond:
1. If someone criticizes you, welcome it! If there is some substance in it, take it and use it as an opportunity for growth.
2. If the criticism is coming out of jealousy, frustration, or anger, it is good to practice indifference. Don’t lose your equanimity.
3. If someone is criticizing you out of jealousy, or if they are upset with you or your accomplishments, then you can spare some compassion for them, as they are not healthy or normal.
4. If someone criticizes you and you counter it by criticizing them, then the chain continues. Instead, thank them for their kind words, and see what happens. The day you drop your defenses, the other person will not know how to respond.
5. If someone is giving you constructive criticism, appreciate them with all your heart! They are taking the risk of losing your friendship and giving you criticism, being bold and brave enough to comment so that you improve! Who wants to take the risk of making enemies?
6. [If someone criticizes you wrongly], [b]lame is what you call that criticism which you cannot accept. How do you deal with blame? With patience, it needs enormous patience and faith that truth will triumph always, things will get better.
7. If your actions are being challenged, then look into them -- are they alright, did you do something wrong, can you do any better, or is it just the other person’s perception?
8. Don't defend your mistakes. Just accept them and move on. When you are totally defenseless, that's when you'll be strong.
9. Every time you face criticism, know that you are vast like the ocean and you can take in anything. When you feel small, that is when you don’t feel like taking criticism. When you feel very big, then you think, “I am much bigger than this criticism, let me take it in.”
10. Know that people are there to help you in the world. Don’t see people as enemies. The foolish will look at the world as filled with hostile people. The wise will look at the world as filled with friends, and think that people are there to help.
11. Smile not only when compliments are given, but when you are criticized, too. A person of true patience and courage is one who can respond to any insult or criticism with an unshakeable smile. Unjust criticism should also be taken with a smile. To begin with, you may feel very uncomfortable, but there will be a shift in you, with which you will be so amazed.
12. Respond to criticism with humor and wit. If you get angry with someone who taunts you, then that is not intelligent behavior. The sign of intelligence is to transform an unpleasant situation into a pleasant one. One who looks for pleasantness even in unpleasant or unfavorable situations is truly an intelligent person.
13. If somebody is talking negatively about you, they are dumping garbage. You should not hold your gunny bag and catch it. When somebody is dumping garbage, you simply move away from there. Don't take it in.
14. Have the ability to give constructive criticism from a happy, calm mind and be able to take constructive criticism from the same mind. This will transform your ego.
15. If anyone anywhere humiliates you, know that it is only a plan to soften you. It is a blessing.
16. If the criticism is superficial, then let it be. What can you do? It is their rajo guna and tamo guna which makes such negative tendencies arise in them. But if you become negative towards them because of that, they you will also be in the same basket as them. The three gunas – rajo guna, tamo guna and satto guna are an integral part of nature. You just be a witness to their play and display.
17. Be a yogi! A yogi will say that people praise and they blame, but I have to keep my equanimity. So a yogi uses it as an exercise to maintain his or her equanimity and wishes only good to everyone.
A final piece of advice from Sri Sri for handling criticism
“Take up this intention: "Come what may, I will not lose my smile, my spirit, and my enthusiasm!" Then you can be of great help to people around you. You will be a guiding light in your family, to your friend circle, at your workplace, in society -- everywhere! You will be the most 'wanted’ person, in the good sense, not in any other sense.”
We all learn by making mistakes, and learning how to deal with criticism positively is one way that we can improve our interpersonal relationships. Make it more fun by following the wonderful tips shared above. The way you handle it will determine how your colleagues or friends or family members will respect and receive you moving forward. Handle it positively and be an inspiration for others!
Breath! Relax! Move on!
Sejal Shah, E-YRT 500 Sri Sri Yoga Teacher, YACEP, Art of Living Teacher, NYU Post Graduate Medical School approved Yoga-CME retreat facilitator, Mind-Body Wellness Writer, Homeopath
