By Kate Harveston | Posted: July 03, 2019
Relationships make up the majority of the good stuff in life—after all, why have a big bankroll, a Jaguar in the driveway, and a McMansion if you can't share them with others? However, just as being in the right relationship can lift you up, being in the wrong one can bring you down.
How do you know if you're in a healthy relationship or a toxic one? It all boils down to how you feel when interacting with your partner. If you've found true love, you feel energized by their presence, but if you're in a toxic relationship, being with your other half will suck you down faster than a Dyson vacuum. Here's how to know if your relationship is contributing to your mental illness—and how to find help.
How Relationships Drive Us Crazy
Our most intimate relationships should offer shelter from an uncaring world. Sadly, for those who fall in love with narcissistic, cut-off personalities, the very relationships meant to soothe can cause grievous wounds. Remaining in a toxic relationship even can lead to the development of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in severe cases.
This is not to say a relationship is doomed automatically if one partner exhibits symptoms of being narcissistic or having a personality disorder or mental illness. It does, however, matter as to whether or not they are willing to get the help they need.
Unfortunately, those who don’t feel enough love for themselves often fall victim to those with less than savory motives for wanting to be in a relationship. They may use their partner for money, a place to live, or simply to feed their own egos. In some such partnerships, threats of physical violence prompt people to stay. In others, economic and mental abuse destroy their self-esteem and ability to stand up for themselves and take care of their basic needs on their own.
Defining Abusive Relationships
Sometimes, people remain in abusive relationships simply because they do not recognize their partner’s behavior as wrong. This often happens in cases where the victim was brought up in a family where the abuse occurred, or where the marriage was considered a lifelong prospect and divorce tantamount to giving up. It's important to recognize the signs of abuse and when it is time to reach out for help.
If your partner exhibits any of the following signs, seek help from a qualified therapist. Make secret plans to leave if necessary:
Possessiveness: Being excessively jealous isn't cute or endearing—it's abusive and controlling. Playfully joking about flirting with another is one thing, but if your partner tries to tell you where you may go or who you may associate with, consider this a huge red flag.
Isolation: A step up from possessiveness, isolation occurs when your partner uses force or threats to keep you from communicating with anyone but them. They may insist on checking your phone and computer for correspondence with others. Consider getting out if at all possible, as once your abuser cuts you off from your support system, it becomes more difficult to leave.
Insults and put-downs: Everyone snaps on occasion and says something they later regret. However, if your partner regularly ridicules you, insults you, calls you names, and makes you question your self-worth, this is psychological abuse. If they refuse to seek help, you may need to leave to preserve your own sanity.
Economic abuse: Abusers may do everything in their power to keep you financially dependent upon them. They may insist you give up a beloved career to take care of home and family. They may call your workplace repeatedly and even show up uninvited to check on you. Once they decimate your ability to take care of your monetary needs, they know you have no choice but to rely upon them.
Destroying precious objects: Before escalating to violence, abusers will often destroy property that's meaningful to you. Beloved family photos, important electronic devices, and even your car may suffer their wrath. Bear in mind that it is a crime in most jurisdictions for your partner to refuse you the use of a phone in an emergency.
Harm or threats of physical injury: If your partner hits you or threatens to physically harm you, don't wait: Get out now. Research indicates 72 percent of murder-suicides occur between intimate partners, and half of all female homicides occur at the hands of someone the woman loves.
The Long-Term Impact of Narcissistic Abuse
Suffice it to say, surviving a relationship with a narcissistic abuser—whether or not physical harm occurred—leaves long-lasting psychological scars. It can take months, even years, of therapy to redefine yourself and find who you truly are again.
Toxic relationships don’t just exist among heterosexual partners, either. In fact, members of the LGBTQ+ community run triple the risk of developing depression and anxiety due to minority stress. Because they often fear being alone, they are more likely to remain in toxic relationships, and while strides toward equality and acceptance have been made, much remains to be done.
Research shows exposure to long-term stress, such as that produced by remaining in an abusive relationship, actually produces physical changes in the brain. The hippocampus is an area responsible for interpreting emotions and learning from them. In those with PTSD, the hippocampus shrinks, causing unusually strong reactions to everyday stressors like sudden noises.
With time and love, it is possible to regain your sense of self-love and worth. Cognitive behavioral therapy can help you reframe your thoughts. Instead of seeing yourself through the eyes of your abuser, you can combat negative self-talk and return to feeling at peace with your emotions. Practicing good self-care by eating a healthy diet, taking 30 minutes of moderate exercise most days of the week and indulging in the occasional massage, pedicure or facial can make you feel beautiful again after months or years of being put down by your partner.
Fostering Healthy Relationships
Our intimate relationships should offer solace from a chaotic world, and when they leave us reeling due to patterns of abusive behavior, our own mental health understandably becomes compromised. By being aware of the red flags that show someone may be abusive, we can extricate ourselves from dangerous situations before depression and anxiety become our new normal. And by helping others recognize the signs of toxic relationships, we can create a society in which relationships built on genuine love and caring are much more prevalent.
Kate Harveston writes about wellness and mental health. If you enjoy her work, you can visit her women’s health blog, So Well, So Woman. You can follow her on Facebook and Twitter.
