Lifestyle

The Power of Vulnerability: Your Key to Healthy Relationships

In my personal opinion, there is one innate human desire that influences our actions, our outlook, our self-image, and our way of being in the world – we all want to feel loved. This desire can be a force for good in your life, but it can also fill you with fear that you aren't good enough, that you won't be accepted, that you won't be seen, heard, nurtured, or validated in the way you need. This deep craving for authentic connection can work to build walls and shut doors. It can breed anger, resentment, and anxiety if it isn't fulfilled.

Of course, you can't control how the people in your life treat you, but research shows that the one thing the majority of healthy, fulfilling relationships have is the ability to be vulnerable with one another. This applies to romantic relationships, yes, but also to friendships and familial relationships. To be vulnerable means to share your inner self, to be open and honest, and you know what? That's scary. That's the most uncomfortable, frightening thing that most of us can imagine.

We live in a culture that is intensely focused on self-containment. Much of our communication is done through screens, rather than face to face. We have the ability to curate what we show others of our life on social media, and as a result, many of us wear a mask of our own design. The working world requires a certain degree of self-sufficiency and independence in order to find success and financial security. We see stoicism as strength, individualism as privacy, and coldness as self-control, but while these qualities might help you get through the everyday grind, they don't allow much room for interpersonal connection.

It's so very human to feel the urge to control everything, including how others perceive and react to us. But relationships based on control are, at their core, manipulative. It's a form of dishonesty born from insecurity, pain, and the deep-seated need to be loved. Vulnerability allows you to let go of trying to craft how others see you, and lets you be seen for who you really are. It helps you realize that you are so much less alone than you once believed.

Despite the discomfort it brings, vulnerability is a strength, not a weakness. It helps you grow and heal, and it reaffirms your place in the world as an imperfect, growing human being. It heals your relationships and soothes conflict and anger. To be vulnerable is difficult, especially in new relationships or in old and damaged ones, but it's incredibly rewarding to bare your soul and find it known, accepted, and loved.

When you lay open your heart to someone you love, there is always the risk of getting hurt. But the amount of pain you might feel if you're rejected, misunderstood, or not taken seriously doesn't begin to compare to the pain of feeling alone. Vulnerability in your relationships nurtures connection. It sparks forgiveness and mutual understanding. When you're vulnerable with someone, you empower them to be vulnerable with you, too. You let them know that it's okay to not be okay, that it's okay to be flawed, to be struggling, and to ask for what they need. Vulnerability indicates a profound level of trust, which in turn makes us feel both loved and loving. When you are met with loving kindness and acceptance, your confidence is built up, and your energy even becomes more attractive to those around you.

As vulnerability researcher Brene Brown says, "Yet there can be no intimacy—emotional intimacy, spiritual intimacy, physical intimacy—without vulnerability. One of the reasons there is such an intimacy deficit today is because we don’t know how to be vulnerable. It’s about being honest with how we feel, about our fears, about what we need, and, asking for what we need. Vulnerability is a glue that holds intimate relationships together."

The decision to allow yourself to be vulnerable is a difficult one to make, and a long process that should be approached with a lot of patience, self-forgiveness, and love. Vulnerability is a skill, not a talent, and requires time. As you grow in your journey to vulnerability, there are a few simple ways that you can begin to nurture a more trusting, loving outlook.

4 Ways to Become Comfortable with Vulnerability

1. Gently acknowledge and explore your feelings when they come up.

Acknowledgement of your feelings, thoughts, and desires is the first step to vulnerability. If you give your emotions space to exist, you'll naturally begin to recognize the root causes of them. Try writing your feelings down, sitting with them in meditation, or even mulling over them during a walk – studies show that walking helps your brain to function more effectively.

2. Practice assuming the best about people.

It's easy to let your fear tell you that people are essentially selfish, out to hurt you, or that they'll use your vulnerability against you in some way. Your fear loves you and is trying to protect you, but don't allow yourself to give in to these thoughts. Every time you find yourself making a negative assumption about someone or assuming the worst about them, try replacing that thought with a positive one. Remember that everyone wants to be loved, to be seen, to be accepted. People bloom and heal when you love on them. As Gurudev Sri Sri Ravi Shankar says, “If someone has hurt you intentionally, you should know that they are sick. What should be your attitude towards someone who is sick? You should be compassionate towards them. If someone has not intended to hurt you, it is an unintentional act, then it is your own mistake. You can only blame your own perception, and not them.”

3. Be present and accepting.

If you are to be vulnerable with others, you must also let others be vulnerable with you. This means slowly learning not to judge others, even those you find reprehensible, even those who make you angry or who have hurt you in the past. Often, toxic, angry, and even abusive people are also victims themselves. Create within yourself a safe space for people to be vulnerable, loved, and accepted. Be present when they speak with you. Really listen, especially if they're upset.

4. Open up slowly, in a safe space, with strong boundaries.

Vulnerability doesn't mean that you have to spill your guts to every person on the street. Setting boundaries is essential for the safety of your soul, your mind, and sometimes even your body. You can choose to share your feelings with someone you trust who is personally removed from the situation, rather than the person or people directly involved. Train yourself to ask for what you need, whether it be a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, advice, or action. If someone is interrupting you, calmly let them finish and then remind them, with love, that you weren't finished speaking.

Vulnerability isn't about being a pushover, but about gifting yourself with the space to exist. It can develop and deepen your relationships, help you work through trauma, and build mutual trust. Living a life of vulnerability means that you are growing humility and honesty within yourself, that you are being courageous and trusting in the world, and ultimately, that you are building a more fulfilling and peaceful life.