Many learned people say, “Leave a better world for your kids”. However, I second the extended thought, “We talk so much about leaving a better planet to our kids that we overlook leaving better kids to this planet. Educate your children with conviction and say ‘No’ to them once in a while.”
Let us now walk through some relevant questions.
- Why should you say 'No' to your child?
- Is it a 'No way' or 'My way' ?
- How to say 'NO' to your child without saying No?
Why should you say ‘No’ to your child?
Giving your kids everything they want makes them demanding and ungrateful. The importance of saying ‘No’ to your child is to teach them to be self-controlled.
Kids with faith in their parents, fewer ifs and buts, understanding of parents’ financial condition, a ‘letting go’ attitude, perseverance and patience will be better for the world.
These qualities are a step towards the making of a better world and can be nurtured only when children and teens encounter a ‘negation’.
No way or my way
Be true to yourself.
Do you want a positive outcome for them or is it your EGO outburst? 💥
For example, when you shout, “No, throwing the ball in the living room. Stop Now!”, you want your child to follow your orders immediately. Or you might treat it as disobedience as you are affected by your ego. To avoid disturbance in enjoying ‘The Office’ episode, you could say, “Can you roll the ball down the hall,” or, “Remember, we only play balls outside.” You are guiding your child to accept not only others’ convenience but also deal with negation.
How to say ‘No’ without saying No?
Your ‘Yes mind’ may be an asset, but it becomes a challenge while parenting. I faced several incidents where I was supposed to say a big 'No' to my kid. However, the conviction with 'No' was ineffective due to my ‘Yes mind’. To my dismay, it instigated defiance in my kid coupled with special effects like sulking, crying, yelling, and cussing.
Haripriya Vasudevan, in her article based on Gurudev Sri Sri Ravi Shankar’s talks, shares some benefits of the art of negotiation. Clarifying the reason (potential danger) for negation brings a conviction and children might trust you. “I know you like to swim, but swimming for too long might catch you a cold.”
Based on my parenting experiences, I have compiled the seven situations when you should say ‘No’ to your children in order to lead them in the right direction.
Got to say ‘No’ to ‘No’
Use a calm, explanatory approach. For instance, your child is unwilling to stop playing with her school water bottle while being in a playful mood. At present, anything at hand is a toy for her. Remember not to snatch away the water bottle. Ask for it with an open palm, “No, don’t play with your water bottle. If it breaks, what will you do to quench your thirst at school?”
Positive outcome
Your child realizes and corrects her action calmly instead of retaliating.
When your child is causing harm or is in danger
Your children need to be stopped many times to keep them or the environment safe. If you catch your child ripping apart flowers, tell him, “No, don’t rip its petals. You hurt its feelings. Plants just like other living beings grow.” Or while pulling your pet dog’s tail to tease, “No, don’t pull its tail, it hurts. Rambo might bite you in defense.”
Positive outcomes
Your children develop empathy and awareness of others’ feelings. They also learn to analyze the counteraction of their actions and foresee danger.
To prepare for the external world
When you always keep your children away from the hardships of life, your children would always want to run away from uncomfortable situations.
Fulfill their needs but not all demands.
Positive outcomes
This makes them mentally strong to face the uncertainties and hardships of life.
Stick to your ‘No’
There is a possibility that your ‘No’ leads to your child’s howls, shouts or cries. Your child is now testing your patience by pushing you into a tricky situation. Keep your cool and stick to your decision. If you change your decision, it means you can be manipulated with high decibels and tears.
Positive outcomes
Your children will take you for granted and respect your decision.
If your child is part of a problem
Cyberbullying, bullying and ragging are incidents your child might witness at school or college. Tell your child, “No, don’t be bystanders! If your friend is making fun of an unknown child, the fear of being thrown out of your friend circle might resist you from actively stopping the bully. Your silence implies that you confirm bullying. Such a friend circle could be harmful. You should take corrective action and not be part of the bully episode.”
Positive outcomes
Your children and teens might show courage and become assertive upstanders.
When your kid is behaving indecently
You say a big ‘No’ when your children and teens are back talking, using foul words, throwing tantrums, lying, and cheating.
Positive outcomes
Your negation of their bad habits will reaffirm that it is not permissible in the family, neighborhood, and society. They will be better citizens and human beings with moral values.
When your kid doesn’t keep up a promise with a friend
I discovered that my son was ditching his best friend for a silly reason. I had to intervene to bring him on the right path. I adopted a friendly approach, “I disapprove of your wrong decision. These are the pros and cons of this situation. However, it is your decision.”
Positive outcome
My friendly approach to my teen brought him to realize his mistake, and eventually, he saved his friendship. He owned his decision, so he prepared for the other possibility.
Inspired by Gurudev Sri Sri Ravi Shankar’s wisdom talks
Written by: Pratibha Sharma
Related link
Learn the art of negotiation by saying ‘no’ with a ‘yes’ mind. How to closely examine and prioritize what works best in the situation, for yourself and those involved.
The most psychologically damaging thing to say to a child is "I don't love you". These words shake them inside out and instantly make them feel unwanted by the entire world. They may have feelings of worthlessness and suicidal thoughts.
To say 'No' to your child, you need to have a calm and explanatory approach from the space of love.
A parent should never give too much financial information as it makes their children anxious. Don't involve them in things they can't do anything about it.
Yes, parents must say 'No' to toddlers in times of danger or causing harm to themselves or others. Your child will learn empathy and analysis of counteraction of their actions and foresee danger.
Assertive parents are approachable at all times to their children. They balance children's demands with the needs of their family, encourage their children to be open and honest about their thoughts and feelings and their parenting style is flexible to suit the rapidly changing world.
If you never tell a 'No' to your child, you are keeping them away from the hardships of life that they will want to run away from uncomfortable situations and makes your child emotionally weak to deal with the real world.
Parents can't say no to their kids as they don't see the valid reason of negation. They don't know how to say 'No' don't want to be the reason for their child's anger or sadness, want to fulfill all desires of their kids, want to give their kids more than what they got in their childhood or don't want their kids to be deprived of anything as they were in childhood.
Divert the attention of your 2-year-old kid
Find the real reason for their behavior
Provide them a choice on your terms to reduce conflict and to make them feel empowered
Guide them through the consequences of their actions and give them easy-to-understand reasons for not agreeing with their actions
Don't forget to talk to them after the tantrum finishes
Say 'No' to your adult child from the space of empathy and understanding. Give them a chance to let them share opinions and feelings. Behavior keeps changing, so never damper your love for them for their behavior. Share with them that such behavior is not permissible, but you still love them.
Submissive parenting is also called Permissive parenting. It involves low expectations from their child. Submissive parents are frightened to set rules for their children or don't believe in controls. They believe in nurturing their children with warmth and support. They get work done by children by gifting them.
Positive parenting is possible with a stress-free mind. Read and listen to wisdom talks after yoga, pranayama and meditation. This routine helps parents be skilfull in handling tricky situations and parent from the space of unconditional love. Join a Parenting Community to learn handling your teenagers' mood swings and understand your child's psyche.
