As a kid, fights are easy. The other kid says something nasty. You hit him. He cries. A parent or a teacher barges in and pours a bucket of wrath on you both, cutting off the chaos. The tears and the anger evaporate. And you and your momentary enemy become friends again, laughing and playing.
As we grow old, our fights start becoming stronger than ever. They establish as strong a hold on our conscience as objects stuck with super gum.
What makes a conflict hard to resolve?
Our intense desire to win. Winning captivates us. It unscrews within us a deluge of happiness - an outpour of which our egos revel in. So roaring is our desire to win that beating the other side assumes far more importance than arriving at a consensus. The scenario is the same everywhere: home, workplace, and with friends.
Know the causes of conflict in this talk by Gurudev Sri Sri Ravi Shankar.
How about a shift?
What if our happiness did not depend on the outcome of a conflict? What if our priority was to find a solution rather than throw victory parties for our egos? A shift would occur and we would move in the direction of a successful conflict management.
To make this shift and make your conflict management successful, here is a 5-step strategy to your aid:
Know that your solution or idea may not be best
Our solution or idea may not always be the best one - a fact which we often miss when we are rooting for our idea. If we hold onto the larger vision of finding the best solution, conflicts between ideas can turn into fruitful discussions.
2 thoughts to reflect upon
A conflict is a test of your commitment to a relationship and working out the best idea. Here is how:
1. A conflict between ideas is a chance to make an idea fool-proof. It is a chance to take your time to discuss it thoroughly and make the idea good enough to be rolled out.
2. When there is a conflict between people, remember that relationships are not about proving yourself right and proving the other wrong. Rather relationships are about improving oneself.
Understand the other’s point of view
We are often are in a hurry to label others as uncooperative or nasty when in a conflict. We tend to ignore the saner voice that wants to understand the other’s point of view. Next time, give this voice a chance. Hear the other side with open ears and an open heart. Understand the space they are coming from. And when they speak, do not busy yourself framing a retort or a rebuttal, because at the end of the day we all want to be heard!
And when you understand and accept the other’s point of view, you come closer to finding a solution.
Do not let anger drive you
Like a nosy neighbor, anger jumps in a conflict, much too eagerly. However, letting it drive you in a conflict could cost you long-term damage. It is far better to give this unwelcome neighbor the ‘look’ and let it pass away. So, be silent when anger overpowers you or the other person. However, if the conflict requires immediate addressing, weigh your words carefully before you speak.
Cool off with meditation
Think about how you would present your idea and listen to someone else’s when you are calm and composed. Chances are you’d be more effective as a speaker and a listener. When that happens, half the battle is won. Meditation brings this much-needed calmness. It reduces the stress that hampers dialogue and brings you clarity in vision.
Meditation removes the stress that you may have accumulated while you were participating in the conflict. That enables you to think from a fresh mind.
Try meditating with the help of one of the guided meditations here.
Drop the bucket: Know conflict is the nature of the world
So, you’ve done everything. Heard their side. Presented your idea clearly and calmly. Tried to arrive at a middle ground. But nothing worked. At this point in time, drop the stress as it won’t help you one bit, forgive and move on. Know that conflicts are the nature of the world. Amidst a conflict, find peace within. With time and maturity, the seemingly unresolvable conflict will see resolution: every conflict’s final destination.
Based Gurudev Sri Sri Ravi Shankar’s wisdom talks with inputs by Amol Wagle, Faculty, The Art of Living
Written by Vanditaa Kothari
