Dear Stress,
Let’s break up! I know this sounds sudden and is not going to be an easy separation. You have been with me for so long that I don’t really know where you end and I begin. You were there when I cried, you were there when I laughed. I can’t remember a time without you now.
When we first got together, I thought you were the driving force behind my energy and enthusiasm. So, I boldly bore you on my back - easily, at first, because you seemed as light as a feather. To be honest, I barely felt your weight. What a change the years have wrought! The bulky burden that you have become has broken my back.
The more commitments I undertook, the more you stayed by me – faithful and ever-present. I didn’t heed the words of my family and friends when they told me to stay away from you. I didn’t give a second thought to the advice and threats of my endocrinologist and cardiologist. I just thought you understood me better than everyone. I shunned them all and labored on, burning the midnight oil, in the hope of satisfying you. I just wanted you to go back to being the ally you were right in the beginning. The one that strengthened my position and energized me to go that extra mile.
In the good ol’ days, I credited you with being that crucial differentiating factor that kept me on my toes - that helped me climb corporate ladders. I have to admit that you drove me to dizzying and heady heights. I can’t understand how such a driving force is now running me down. Have you changed or have I mistaken your identity? Be it as it may, I waited and waited for you to go easy on me. I thought that the years I had slaved would earn me the equity and the right to expect that of you. There is no excuse that I did not make for you. But you were steadfast in your nature - inversely proportional to my well-being.
The larger and heavier you got, the worse off my health was. You were my companion when sleep was not. You stayed by me when the hair on my head would not. You became obese while I lost my appetite and became skin and bones. The circles around my eyes, the flab on my hips, and the pain in my knee… all speak of your presence in my life. All those days and nights that you never left my side.
Every moment beside you has seen me on the edge…of a breakdown. The peak I eagerly sought for turned out to be a precipice! Ever so gently and subtly, you tipped me off it. I realized too late that the energy you bestowed upon me was minuscule compared to the bundle of nerves and anxieties that I assumed as your close partner and accomplice.
On this next leg of life, I might become lonely and feel helpless and lost; I might be haunted by separation anxiety, but I know that this is what I need now. To survive. To pick myself up again and fight another day.
You might ask me what brought about this sudden change of heart and pace. It is because I have recently befriended a few tested and trusted friends that go by the name of yoga, Sudarshan Kriya, and meditation. I came across them when another good friend and colleague dragged me to the Happiness program. I found the name of the program as intriguing as the actual feeling had become in my life.
I went into the class with the same attitude that I adopt with everything these days – a sense of stupor and resignation - more zombie than human. I am sure I thought that this was one more chore in the day’s drill.
But, I was in for quite a shake-up. I can say that almost from the moment the session started, I experienced changes within me. To begin with, there was something indescribably soothing in the air. I didn’t quite understand this at first. Now that I think about it, I would attribute it to the aura of the teacher who filled the room with positive vibes. Her quiet confidence in her words and actions rubbed off on everyone there.
The room was packed, and yet, there seemed to be space for more. (Was it my subconscious acknowledging the abundance around me?) I casually surveyed the room, and the lady beside me caught my attention instantly, as she looked like a bundle of nerves when the class started. Somehow I couldn’t help noticing her – perhaps because she was openly displaying what I was hiding better than her.
However, at the end of the class, she seemed to have lost her nervous energy; she looked pensive and composed. There was a soft serenity in her expression. Though the change was a remarkable volte-face, I didn’t find it surprising, because I experienced what I thought I saw in her. That class was the first of my suspicions regarding you, Stress. For the first time, I started to wonder if the path that included you was the best way to achieve my goals in life.
What happened in that class? I was taken through different group discussions, games and processes in the Happiness program. We performed some yoga asanas or poses. Elementary as they seemed, the postures challenged me, and slowly unravelled stress inside of me. I had not bent and turned in those ways for years. However, the teacher guided me calmly: without reservation or ridicule at my rigidity. This made me lose part of my inhibitions. Some of the asanas made me express myself – deliberately and wholeheartedly – like when I was a child.
The pranayamas or breathing exercises that followed the asanas were even more powerful. I could feel you leave me, Stress in those few moments of exhalation. And as you left, I felt something more calming take your place. Fresh energy, comfort, and tranquility. Emotions that had long deserted me.
What was the newest revelation to me was the Sudarshan Kriya. It was a unique blend of peace and awareness.
"If someone had told me before that I needed to learn how to breathe, I would have scoffed at them. But the Kriya I learned helped me solve problems I didn’t know existed! I felt energized and uplifted. It was like my thoughts joined a queue instead of jostling for the front spot in my mind."
The class culminated in some meditation. Again, I visited places I had not been to in a long time. Deep within myself. I introspected and experienced my inner self. It felt like I was being introduced to me – the real me – untouched by you Stress.
What began as a chore became an unforced and natural continuous practice. I signed up for more classes, and now these practices are a daily part of my busy schedule. They are the push and the release that I need every day to go about my life. I now want to use these sturdy oars to chart a new course through the torrential winds and choppy waters that the vessel of my life is negotiating today.
I don’t know if you can understand where I am coming from. But, I do remember what stubborn stuff you are made of. I don’t trust you to let go of me so easily. If you insist on holding on, be warned, I am going to rearrange your insides (STRESS), so I get some long overdue ‘REST’.
So, let’s say our goodbyes now, and God willing never meet again.
Yours wearily,
A burnt-out Stressaholic
