One of the richest and most philanthropic men in the world, Bill Gates says that he regrets not knowing (earlier on) more about the inequities in the world?
Billionaire author J K Rowling regrets never telling her late mother about her most famous creation, Harry Potter?
Warren Buffett regrets not having believed in two of the most successful web-based companies -Alphabet, Google’s parent company and Amazon?
Former World No.1, (and current No.2), tennis player Rafael Nadal, has stated that he, perhaps, should not have put his body through some of the severe treatments he has put it through, to be able to play the game?
Regret is, apparently, a universal phenomenon – irrespective of age, profession, gender and net worth. Is there any person in the world who has not experienced regret? Perhaps even a toddler, who petulantly refused a lollipop, regrets his/her decision within moments! Look at anyone around you, and you can bet your bottom dollar that they have experienced some level of regret in their life.
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What are some of the most common regrets?
Perhaps wishing you had either done or not done, said or not said something. You should have spent more time with people you love, you shouldn’t have said those harsh words to your mom, you wish you had stood up for your bullied friend, and so on. You barely need any imagination to come up with infinite reasons for regret.
While people of all ages indulge in regret, the feeling weighs on us more as we grow older. Because we are more keenly aware that life is passing us by; and, some things are, well and truly, not possible anymore. For example, a 60-year-old with a heart condition cannot hope to bungee jump, without adverse risk to his health.
When does regret arise?
Every time you make a choice, there is a possibility of regret. A teenager who has to choose career options, say, between the arts or sciences, a young adult who has to choose one job over another, and the all-important choice of life partners. There is scope for big regret in these decisions since they may be irreversible for many. However, some little regrets also gnaw on us. Like choosing that healthy fruit salad over the sinful chocolate sundae for your dessert at lunch!
The point is that every time you make a choice in life, there is an opportunity cost that may or may not be quantifiable. This leads us to the all-too-heavy and cumbersome feeling of regret.
Is it even possible to not feel regret? Perhaps for a very mature and wise soul, who is aware that all things pass and life’s decisions are not in our control. But, what about for the average Joe…or Jyothi?!
Here are a few questions you can ask yourself that may help you get over regret or, better still, avoid feeling regret altogether.
How to not feel regret
(1) Do you have astronomically high and inflexible expectations in life?
It is not a bad thing to have tall ambitions in life. However, it is not a good idea to allow
yourself to expect perfection. Because, perfection is just not that box in the list that gets checked very often. You’re just setting yourself up for regret if you think the only acceptable result is perfection.
Temper your expectations according to your skills and the surroundings. Your dreams will come true. They possibly have too…just not in the wrapper you were expecting them. Recognize that your life may already have witnessed some amazing events - without your aiming for them.
For instance, just a month earlier, Anjali (name changed), a young aspiring athlete, was inconsolable when she thought she could not go back to active sports, because of a knee injury. She could not stop regretting the past - lax warm up and stretching sessions that, probably, led to her lay off from sports. But, in that time, at her mother’s insistence, she re-discovered her interest in playing the piano. She utilized her recovery time to practice the piano, and is now on the verge of giving a performance at a neighborhood mall. Had she wallowed in regret, she would have missed this wonderful opportunity.
(2) Do you appreciate life’s blessings and express gratitude for them?
To replicate the good and positive elements of your life, it is important to acknowledge their existence. When you look for good aspects of life, you will find them.
Unfortunately, this is true with the opposite as well! So, it helps to make a habit of being positive about your life and the blessings in it.
For instance, perhaps you have to move away from your home city, where you have lived all your life. Instead of regretting the distance away from your loved ones, think about those loyal 3 AM friends and family. The ones who will move heaven and earth to be there for you. When such blessings are there in your life, and you acknowledge them, you tend not to regret what you don’t like.
(3) Do you often beat yourself up over your mistakes?
No one can turn back time and change the past. Is there a mistake in your life that has had irreversible consequences?
Even the Warren Buffetts and J K Rowlings of the world have made colossal mistakes! We can’t see their flaws, because we wear rose-tinted glasses when we look at their lives, and black shades when we examine our own! We are most severe upon ourselves and our mind wanders to what could have or should have or would have been if only…
This line of thinking can achieve nothing. Instead, apologize, accept and forgive your fallible self, give yourself that second chance to be a better person, and surrender to the higher power.
When you repent, you forget that God is in control. Surrender.
-Gurudev Sri Sri Ravi Shankar
(4) Do the dreams you are pining after relate to the present?
Are you a prisoner of your past? Even in your happy moments, do you tend to cry a few hot tears for the one that got away, or the life that should have been yours? If you do, you are not alone…
“I’ve always wanted to study in an ivy-league university”, Shalini (name changed) muses. “Now I work in Boston, the city of not one but two world renowned universities, but my dreams are no closer to fruition. Not only is their admission rate really low but their tuition fees are also prohibitively high.” But, asked if that is still what she wants to study, she admitted, “Well, not really, Harvard is good for law, medicine and business, but I am not in that line now.”
It is just possible that these unrealized dreams are ones you would have given your right arm for yesterday but they may not be worth your salt today.
Sometimes, we try so hard to keep up with our past dreams that we don’t really know if they are still relevant today. Sometimes, you need to tweak or update your dreams to avoid regret. For example, if you wanted to learn scuba diving by 30, and you are closing in on 40, tweak your dream. Do it before 40! Health permitting, you can still learn it.
For this, you have to live in the present. You will, then, find yourself most at peace and in touch with yourself. What might assist you here is 20 minutes of guided meditation daily. It helps you become centered and aware.
The fact is that while you are regretting the past, you might be setting yourself up for another regret in the future for having ignored the present!
Actor, Jim Carrey once said, “If you aren't in the moment, you are either looking forward to uncertainty, or back to pain and regret.”
1. Make a list of your priorities, and ensure that you stay true to them. If you want to attend your son’s piano concert, make sure you do.
2. Don’t say ‘yes’, when you want to say ‘no’. You might regret it almost as soon as you stop nodding your head!
3. Your mistakes make you who you are today. You are a better person for having made and learnt from them. Accept that.
When regret is not such a bad thing
Are all forms of regret bad? Perhaps not. The legal system works on the pretext that criminals have a chance to regret and repent their acts of crime. That is why capital punishment is not employed in many countries. It is to give the perpetrator a chance to regret and turn over a new leaf, and the victim, a chance to forgive and move on. Without some level of regret, it would be difficult to bring about transformation in either party.
Regrets speak of unrealized dreams. Wishes that did not pan out for you. Choices you wish you had not made. Getting over regret requires some level of forgiveness, understanding and acceptance of what is. So, forgive yourself, accept your life and move on to better things.
Also, it might help to remember that regret, like all feelings, is like a cloud. It doesn’t stick around for long. So, allow it to come and go without putting yourself through the wringer each time.
Sahaj Samadhi Meditation can help you clear your mind, and become more accepting and centered in life.
With inputs from Dr. Prema Seshadri, Faculty, Art of Living
