If you are a parent, you will acknowledge that few people get advice as frequently as you do! It must seem like everywhere you turn, there is a better way of raising children than the one you are choosing to follow!
Some signs of good parenting
These are just a few signs that you are on the right road. Do you…
- Read to your kid(s)? You are helping their imagination and creativity grow.
- Give them the freedom to disagree? You are encouraging their thinking and curiosity.
- Show them love? Children feel secure and become confident with your verbal and physical acts of love.
- Pay attention? Children feel special when you show genuine interest in their interests.
- Display consistent behavior? When you follow the same principles (like integrity, compassion, and hard work) at work and home, children feel reassured and emulate you.
- Believe in your kid(s)? When you trust your kids, they feel buoyed by it, and try to live up to the belief you have in them.
The truth is that the number of caveats around raising children today is mind-bogglingly high. Perhaps you now have a newfound appreciation for your parents! But seriously, were we this hard to raise?! To be fair, even our parents, probably, got their share of tips and pointers on how to raise us.
While there is no one correct way to raise children, there is also no harm in looking for ideas on how to improve our ways and raise warm, confident, and resilient human beings.
We could try by looking at some common mistakes we all make while raising our precious bundle(s) of joy. Of course, there are different checklists for different ages, so we have tried to focus on school-going kids till, say, the beginning few years of their teens.
1) Hiding feelings, failures, bad times
Do you shield your children from the ugly side of life: failure, depression, and misery? And only show them the bright side of things? Sometimes, parents, hide everything bad from children to save them of difficult emotions like pain, confusion, insecurity, and anger.
Result: Children, who do not see fights and arguments, grow up with rose-colored glasses. They can’t relate to people with problems and are, themselves, unable to deal with their own issues. The sadness, anger, and strife they witness outside might seem unreal to them.
Suggestion: While it is not advisable to indulge in loud, physical and emotional abuses, it is also not a good idea to shield your children from arguments.
In fact, if you resolve your disagreements calmly, it will help your child emulate a similar solution in his/her own struggles. Also, you could end your arguments amicably: with a warm smile or a hug.
2) Protecting your child from their learning curves, namely mistakes
Are you a helicopter parent, constantly hovering around your kids? Can you be found, unerringly, near them when they fall or trip up? Do you protect them by covering up their mistakes? If you do, your good intentions may deprive them of some valuable lessons in life.
Result: Children of such parents become clingy and over-dependent. They don’t get the chance to hone their inherent survival skills. And, hence, cannot think independently when faced with a problem.
Suggestion: Naturally, you love your children and want to protect them from pain. However, it would be good to make room for them to fail and experience sadness. This doesn’t mean it is advisable to neglect them when they, really, get hurt.
However, you could observe them from a safe distance, and give their problem-solving side a chance to rear its head. Their innate resilience might surprise you. Your hovering might prevent them from an important interaction with a new friend, young or old.
Did you hear…?
About the man who helped a butterfly break out of its cocoon? Unable to see its painful struggle to come out of its cocoon, he broke the cocoon to free it. He found the butterfly shriveled and wrinkled. He waited for it to open its wings and fly away, but it never did.
It was because it had (forcibly) skirted nature’s training and missed out on the vital process of strengthening its wings. Though the man had acted out of kindness, he had not, really helped the butterfly.
Some struggles prepare you to become stronger, and it is essential to go through them to move forward in life.
3) Comparing….
And despairing.
How much did you get in Math? What did you clock in the 100-meter race? How many credits have you earned? What is your height?
Children, themselves, ask these and many more questions: comparing heights, weights, speed, marks, medals, possessions, travel destinations amongst themselves.
They keenly know the rat race and are, unfortunately, registered for it from birth.
Result: These constant comparisons make children feel small. And not just the average performers. Even the top rankers feel the pressure, insecurity, frustration, and heartbreak of not measuring up.
Suggestion: Perpetual comparisons are about as useful as gossip. You could help them understand that no two people are the same, and avoid comparing them with their siblings, cousins, friends, older or younger children, and even yourself.
You could encourage them to participate in healthy competitions to test their abilities. The focus of these contests should be the learning rather than the result.
Perhaps the best advice a parent could give a child is, “You are your only competition. Be better than you were yesterday.” This alleviates stress while still ensuring the child aims high.
4) Treating children as adults and friends
Young children spend longer hours away from home today than adults do, with their packed schedules. They make independent choices with a little hand-holding. Their language includes terms we did not understand till we were well into our twenties!
These lead parents and children, themselves, to think they are ready for grown-up decision-making before they are. Parents treat them as their friends, partners, and equal companions, consulting them on academic, financial and social matters. Much before they are ready for such matters.
Result: Implementing a buddy system with your child tends to blur the line between the parent and child, leaving a gaping hole where a clear and authoritative figurehead should have been. As this gap widens, parents find it increasingly difficult to exert authority when it is really required. If they shy away from important conversations to keep up the ‘friendly parent’ image.
Suggestion: We all like to be thought of as cool parents. But, the fact is that most children have many friends and companions of their own age. What they might require from you is a person to look up to, and fall back on, rather than another friend. While your effort to be friendly is commendable, be their guide, confidant, and mentor first.
You can, perhaps, wait for them to turn, at least say, 16 years. And then, you can grow into the friendly ear they need most.
There is an old saying in Sanskrit, “When your son or daughter turns sixteen, behave with them like a friend”. If you relate as a friend and not as a parent, they will be open with you. Then the gap gets bridged; love flows and communication happens. And once communication happens, virtually all the problems are solved.
~ Gurudev Sri Sri Ravi Shankar
Till such time, it would be advisable not to become so chummy with your children that you cannot be strict, and discipline them when they need it. From time to time, draw the line. Try not to get to the stage, where you feel delicate, or uncomfortable, saying something your child needs to hear, for fear of a backlash in the form of a temper tantrum.
5) Making children the be-all and end-all of life
Do you schedule all your activities around your child’s classes? Do all your child’s desires matter more than yours? If yes, you are among the growing breed of martyr parents!
Children have become enormous stakeholders, assuming the role of the protagonist in the play called LIFE (perhaps you, luckily, bagged a supporting role!). In the interests of democracy and to boost your ‘parent’ ratings, you inflate the value of their opinions, indulge their whims, and give in to their excessive demands.
Result: Constant reference to children’s feelings and opinions makes them greedy, selfish, thoughtless, and materialistic. They don’t learn to value others.
Suggestion: Gurudev has suggested that we should give people the chance to give to discover the joy of giving. In the same vein, you could make your child feel special by encouraging the quality of service and generosity in him/her. Inculcating the habit of moderation and caring for others could be your gift to him/her. Rather than overindulging with your purse or attention.
Written with inputs from Dr. Prema Seshadri, Faculty, The Art of Living
