Scientists say loneliness is as dangerous as smoking and alcoholism. Extended periods of loneliness increase the risk for depression, anxiety, low immunity, and an increase in inflammation. Unfortunately, loneliness has become increasingly common in our digital world. We find it difficult to form meaningful relationships and even connect with our loved ones.
What causes loneliness
A paper in the International Journal of Indian Psychology cites the following reasons for increased loneliness among Indian youth:
- Low self-esteem: Constant comparisons and professional and academic failure bring down the self-esteem of many. When one perceives that they cannot conform to society’s standards of success, they tend to isolate themselves.
- Broken relationships: Rejections and broken relationships create the feeling of unworthiness among youth.
- Poor physical health: Remember that guy at work who doesn’t go out to eat because he has a health problem? Those with poor physical health tend to isolate themselves.
- Personality types: Those with certain personality types, specifically those with high neuroticism and conscientiousness tend to feel lonely. Neuroticism is the vulnerability to negative emotions such as anger and anxiety. Conscientiousness is one’s desire to work sincerely and dutifully.
- Mobile addiction: Personal entertainment, gaming, and social media have hogged away real connections and quality time with those around us.
Overcoming loneliness with resilience
In the thread ‘how common is loneliness among young Indians,’ a Reddit user attributes loneliness among youth in their 20s and 30s to a rise in singlehood. He says, “Loneliness is common because all your friends and cousins are getting married, whereas you being single, can neither hang out with them nor with your parents.”
While this is true in some respects, there are several examples of single men and women in their 20s and 30s who are single by choice. They create a social setup where they don’t feel lonely. As someone in the same thread posted, “I have 3 very close friends. All of them live very far away from me. But every weekend, I call one of them up and we talk for a few hours and we feel good. I was going through a bad breakup recently and they were there to SOS. The rest of the week, I love living by myself. Gym, work, reading books, and going on meetups occupy my week.”
Two people. Same situation. Yet, one feels lonely and the other does not.
“Just having a partner does not take away your loneliness, mind you! There are millions of people who have partners, soul mates, who have fallen in love and married the same person, and yet they feel lonely!” - Gurudev Sri Sri Ravi Shankar
The loop of feeling lonely
It is normal to feel lonely during certain periods in one’s life. Before contemporary society came into place, the feeling of loneliness served as an alarm system. If there was no one from your own species around you for a long time, it meant danger to life. This alarm system still exists. The difference is we now see loneliness as a social threat.
As per this PsychologyToday article, “When we get lonely, our brain snaps into self-preservation mode. Without realizing it, we become hypervigilant for social threats (in the form of rejection and ostracism). This leads to cognitive biases toward perceiving threats, even when they don’t exist. We begin to mistrust others and become anxious in social situations.”
This perceived social threat does not allow us to connect with others. We may firmly believe that nobody is interested in talking to us. In an attempt to protect ourselves, we distance ourselves from others. At the same time, others see our coldness as a sign that they should maintain their distance too. Our cognitive biases make us experience loneliness on a loop.
Breaking through the cycle of loneliness
To truly overcome loneliness, we should not just tend to the apparent cause of our loneliness. We also need to wake up to our own biases and rewire our relationship with loneliness. This is where meditation and breathwork can help. Both are proven ways to increase our awareness about our thoughts and emotions and reduce anxiety and depression.
The Sudarshan Kriya breathing technique, in fact, has been proven to increase the feeling of social connectedness according to a Yale study. The technique combined with meditation helps one get in touch with ourselves, a process that is essential for us to change our outlook before we can begin to make meaningful connections again.
Written by: Vanditaa Kothari
