I come from a small village in Uttar Pradesh. I am currently studying for competitive exams and taking tuition for school students. Life is busy. Life is good. Though last year, I was sure that I was going to end it.
It was not a single incident that led me to think that way. It was the result of a series of bad years and consistent poor mental health that I had been sweeping under the carpet for a long time. It all exploded on that one fateful night when I was watching the news alone and my family was away.
Sushant Singh Rajput had committed suicide. The news got my mind running. I was imagining dreadful scenarios where I was taking my life too. If someone like Sushant Rajput had to commit suicide because of his mental health condition, who was I? I was convinced that 2020 would be the last year of my life. With these frightful thoughts running in my head, I sped out of the house into the open.
I was scared. I was anxious. And I was crying.
Just then, my parents, uncle and aunt returned home. I told my father about those thoughts in my head. Listening to his daughter’s woes, he was in tears too.
Finding faith amidst fear
A few weeks before the news flash, I had dissociated into a different personality once. After the news flash, I was dissociating into different personalities almost every day. We tried homeopathy for a while but that did not work.
My family was convinced that a spirit had possessed me. I believed them. How else could we explain the different voice and facial expression that I took on during a dissociation (possession) episode?
Spirit chasers were called. They pulled my hair and beat me in an attempt to chase away the spirits inside me. But nothing really worked. I was just left with tears in my eyes and felt my energy dwindling day by day.
During that time, a friend introduced me to the Art of Living programs.
It was hard for me to follow the Sudarshan Kriya at that time. Yet, the teachings of the program stayed with me.
I found faith in a higher power, something that so many of us lose while growing up. So, even when everything seemed to be falling apart, I had faith that everything would be okay.
Meanwhile, somebody acquainted a family member with mental illnesses. They found out about a mental health facility in Noida where I was admitted for 10 days under observation. The doctors diagnosed me with depression, anxiety, borderline personality and dissociative identity disorder.
My path to recovery
I returned home with medicines, therapist appointments and a resolve to take care of myself. Since then certain practices have become a part of my daily life. These practices are more than just elements of my routine. They have become my refuge on my bad days.
Meditating
Number one is my regular practice of Sahaj and Sudarshan Kriya. That has made me more aware of my thought patterns. Meditation has helped me realize that all anxiety-creating scenarios are just that - they have no basis in reality. As a result, the anxiety and dissociation episodes no longer frighten me. I have realized that they are as good as clouds, temporary at their best.
Journaling
On the advice of my therapist, I also started journaling my thoughts every day. That gave me an outlet to my emotions which I was unconsciously suppressing in the past. So every time I get angry or anxious, I go to my diary.
Hobbies
I always wanted to paint and sing. But I could never pursue them as a young adult. Now, with more energy, I paint, sing, and even cook. All of these hobbies keep me calm, happy, and in the present moment.
Household chores
I have discovered that simple household chores like cleaning and cooking stop my mind from over thinking and bring me to the present.
Professional help (Psychological therapy)
Therapy has given me a better understanding of my mind and the causes that led to my condition. And when you understand yourself better, you are able to take conducive action. Hence, I have been going to therapy once a month – something that has also helped me bring down my episodes of dissociation.
On my bad days, I take the help of either meditation or journaling or a hobby or a household chore. If nothing works, I go to sleep!
Facing the past to come back to the present
The roots of my condition lie in my childhood and college days. This is something that I understood with therapy.
I remembered that growing up was hard for me. I particularly did not share a very good relationship with my mother and remember being incessantly bullied by my peers for my dusky complexion, something which used to make me cry quite often. My self-esteem took a hit and that reflected when I grew up.
By the time I reached college, I knew something was quite not right but could not really point it out. My energy levels were low. Even going to college was exhausting for me. All I wanted to do was shut myself in my room and distract myself from the exhaustion and deep sadness within me with movies and serials.
While the movies went on, a question was simmering inside me – what about my future? I was guilty of not being able to perform in college. But I didn’t know what to do.
So when I returned to my village after college, I was already in a mental mess which only grew into hopelessness. When I reached the brink with those suicidal thoughts, I had no idea that things were about to take a 360 turn. And that living with happiness, hope and purpose is totally possible. It only happened when I let that moment pass.
If you ask me if I still get those suicidal thoughts, the answer is yes. But like the first time, I do not act on them. Yet, unlike the first time, I am not afraid of them anymore. Thanks to the support of my family and all the wonderful people I have met on this journey. Not to mention the faith in a higher power that I have found back again.
(On request, we are keeping the person anonymous)
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